Abstract Competence

From ear to ear…
Or how about-

A mile between two esses.

However you want to describe it, I feel invincible! I’ve got the worlds largest, widest and brightest smile on my face. Boy, I haven’t felt this way in a loooong time. Sing it with me:
I’m in love again, and I can’t rise up of it. I’m in love again, and I love, love, love it!
(Any Cole Porter fans in the house?)

This is it: I have finally found the one. I met someone who is so perfectly suited to be mine, it’s sort of surreal. I want to shout my happiness from the rooftops, jump on couches and give everyone I meet a huge hug. Oh, I know about the ‘honeymoon period’ and what not, but I’m in no rush for this feeling to go anywhere.

The sound of her name fills my body with chills, the thought of her face begins a cascade of light from the depths of my soul upwards and fills the entire planet with sunshine. Regardless of whether or not it’s raining.

I’m short: I’m very, very, very, very happy.

Ok, ok, short: I’m happy. And while I normally describe my demeanor with that word, I realize that I’ve been lying. If this is happiness, then what I’ve been feeling is a state of contentment. Because days are now more lovely and food has more flavor.
And it’s all because of her.

Isn’t it?

I haven’t done anything differently. In fact, all I did to meet this incredible person who has changed my life was be myself (something I’m very good at). Certainly it’s her effect on my reality that has caused this unimaginable shift. I mean, who isn’t looking for someone to make them feel amazing?

Oh. No. Not again.

I cannot believe I’m relying (AGAIN) on outside information to gauge my worth. Son of a gun, I really thought I was past that. Is there really no escape?
*Huff* Ok, fine, I’m here now so I might as well see what the heck is going on.
But I’m going to be honest: I’m really nervous to inspect this… What am I going to uncover? Will I pick this feeling apart piece by piece until the only thing left is my choice just to feel great? Will I no longer see this person as special? Come on, I don’t ask for much; I’m not a hoarder of things… can I not just have this? Of all the things in my life to question and dissect, does love have to be one of them?

Woah. Well, that’s the first time I’ve mentioned that. With this person, anyway. And… yeah, it feels right. It’s not like we’ve just met, we saw this coming. So yeah, I love them.

But now that it’s out…. It’s kind of got me wondering… what do I mean when I say: I love them?
There are so many words to use when speaking about admiration of a deep sort and I’ve said “love” to more people I can count. But it’s such an abstract term. What I would like is to use the word in the most competent way I can. That way, when I say it to them, they will know exactly what I mean… and so will I.

I am crazy about this person. I think they are just fantastic. I love hearing them talk and I love talking with them. Damn, I just used it again. Ok, I want nothing more that to spend time conversing with them. Well, not just conversing with them but just spending time with them. Their thoughts are so stimulating and I hope they always stay that way.

So love is: I think you are amazing just the way they are and I don’t want you to change.
No, that’s not going to work because we change all the time. Okay, then I want to embrace the changes they make, as long as they’re healthy changes, because if they start to smoke, there are going to be problems.

Ok, so I have: I accept you for who you are and who you will become.

Wow. That’s not bad. And I think that if someone said that to me, I’d be really flattered because what else am I looking for than for someone to think I’m great just the way I am. I don’t want someone thinking that I need to change because then they don’t like me, they like ‘potential future me’. If I want to change, then they’re supportive of that. Of course, as long as I’m not changing negatively, which is for either of us to judge.

I love you. I accept you completely. That’s a love I feel competent using.

And if I find myself not being accepting, I can always read my first post again…

Anticipated Acceptance

Wow, what a mistake.

What a stupid thing to do. Sometimes, man, I can really put my foot in my mouth. And not just my foot, mind you, but my whole leg. I am SUCH a moron.

Movies made about time machines were written by people who do the things that I do. I feel so incredibly stupid.

Why did I say that? Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut? Or better, why couldn’t I have thought of something more eloquent to say?

Because I’m dumb, that’s why.

No, I’m not dumb; I’m completely oblivious to the obvious. Life is just kind of moving past my face and I, apparently, have no idea how to conduct myself among people. I might as well have slapped her in the face. Idiot! Who the hell do you think you are!? You should have your mouth removed. Let me get out of here before I say something else…

Ok, now that you’re away from people, you’re safe. That’s good. You can hide out here, you coward. Yeah, give you some paper and ink and everything’s fine. But face to face, you can’t seem to keep yourself civil. You’re a hero, alright. Why did you even come out? No one is enjoying your company anyway. Okay, maybe a few people but not enough to warrant your oh-so-important presence.

Woah. I feel awful. And it’s not like people told me to leave. What the heck is going on? Okay, breathe… try to calm dow-

-No, no, I’m not going to calm down! I’m going to turn around and leave and never come out for a night again because, clearly, I haven’t developed the necessary skills to-

-STOP.

Yes, I get it, I’m very, very angry at myself right now. I can feel it in my face: my jaw is clenched, my cheeks are hot, and my breathing is heavy and thick. My hands are beginning to shake and I want to punch something, causing pain in my hand, furthering my misery.

Where is this coming from? What am I getting myself all worked up for?

BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT STUPID, STUPID THING-

Okay, yes, I know I said something that I’m not proud of out loud. And she’s also, probably, not impressed. And I feel angry about that… Something I’m not proud of.

“Idiot” and “stupid”? I know that I don’t use those words often and when I do, I usually feel like one of them. But I only feel like an idiot when I do something that I know I shouldn’t do, but do anyway, against my better judgment. Well, I guess it’s not better judgment because if it was, I would take it. So I believe that the voice telling me “don’t say that” is wrong. Huh. And I ignore it and feel like a fool. AH! I’m embarrassed. Okay, that’s one part.

I feel ashamed of myself. that’s a pretty big emotion to feel. I’m not a fan of feeling ashamed of myself and I don’t feel it too often. And I hate feeling it.

Oh… so that’s where my anger is coming from. I’m angry that I have to feel something I don’t like to feel. So I cover it up with anger so that I can feel something else. I’m familiar with that and there’s a term that I’m aware of – metafeelings (it sounds so cool…): Feelings about feelings. So it’s not enough that I feel shame but I need to feel angry to work myself into a frenzy of self-rejection and calumny? I don’t like feeling ashamed of myself but it’s going to happen from time to time. And it happens for a pretty good reason- to remind me not to repeat my actions.

Unfortunately, I’m kind of a slow learner and I take it out on myself because I’m the only one to blame. Shouldn’t I know better than to do that? I can be so stup- there I go again.

Okay, so how do I want to deal with this feeling in the future, because I know it’s going to happen again because, no matter how hard I may try, I’m not able to stop time and choose what I want to say… actually, that’s a nice first step: I can expect it to happen so that when it does, I can identify it and say “ah, it just happened again, just as I thought it would”. This way, I’m setting myself up to accept who I am and what I tend to do. Already that feels much better; I prefer allowing myself to make mistakes and being preparing for when I do as opposed to beating myself up because they ‘shouldn’t’ happen.

I think I can go back inside now. There are still some people that I’d like to talk with. And how else will I get to practice my newfound technique of expected blunder? Besides, I can’t be the only person who says things he regrets here ;)