Indebted Recuperation

I canNOT believe that.

What a JERK!

Seriously, what a total and complete ass. And I’m not one to swear but, man, that f*cking burns me up. Really burns me up! I can’t believe that.

HOW DARE HE!

I could strangle him. And had he said one more thing, I would have, too. Fine, whatever, ‘I should keep my thoughts to myself’, where does he get off! Who the HELL does he think he is!

I’m allowed to think what’s in my head! I’m not some kind of goddamned robot who just says everything in an appropriate manner all the time. I’m not like that. And I shouldn’t have to be! This is MY home; I can be WHO I WANT when I’m here. Doesn’t he GET that?

It’s a good thing I walked away, because that would have been messy. And the last thing I want to do is get up in his face and start screaming obscenities… though the more I think about it the more I want to walk right back in there and bitch him out.

“YOU THINK YOU KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS? YOU THINK YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY AND YET, YOU GET INTO THE SAME KIND OF TROUBLE I GET INTO, SO WHAT THE HELL?!”

HOW DARE ANYONE tell me what to do!

RRRRRAGE! I feel absolute rage and contempt! I could smash holes in the walls and shatter all the glass around me, leaving nothing but a pile of… broken glass. To bleed on.

*Whew*. That felt good to just get out… I feel less shaky and roiled.

And how odd of me to get roiled… I’m usually so calm and open to suggestion from people.

Now that I take a look back at my haranguing, I wonder what set me off? Yeah, I know you’re thinking “uh, Dave, clearly the person who said something to you was the catalyst. Are you dumb?” But hang on… let me replay the motions:

We were discussing my plans and I was excited to share my news. So I shared and then made a small off-colour comment and then – bang- the mood shifted and I was scolded.

Yeah, I’m 34 and I was scolded. And I didn’t like it.

Right, so “didn’t like it” is fine and good but I want to get more specific… what was I feeling? Or, rather: what do I feel?

Hmm… Right now, I feel a bit stumped. I keep reeling back to how angry I am at him and it’s breaking my focus. I mean, how important is it to know the exact feeling anyway? The whole point is that he cut me down when I was feeling so good. I was entrusting him with my enthusiasm and-

Aaaah!! So I see now… I feel

BETRAYED!

Wow, uh, drama queen much? Besides, I can’t feel betrayed… Betrayal is something that can happen to me. So how do I feel about the betrayal? Angry, that’s how. I am angry that he did that. But, for me, anger is usually a secondary emotion. Yeah, sometimes I’m plain angry but I know, right now, I’m not simply angry.

When he started to bitch me out- ok, when he started to say what he had to say, my initial reaction was “oh no, not again. Why am I always saying the wrong thing?” And my throat began to well up and I couldn’t look him in the eye.

So, I’m sad?

Kind of; it’s a type of sad: Hurt. I feel hurt. And I hurt easily when I don’t have my guard up. Like, when I’m excited to tell something to someone I care about, I’m not expecting them to cut me down. So my anger is there to protect me from receiving further hurt. My anger is quite protective of me and had it not kicked in, I probably would have broken down and cried (yeah, big girls don’t but big boys are allowed). Well, I know why I was hurt and I know why I got angry and I’m much more calm then I was a few moments ago. So… how do I wrap this up?

I would like to cut down (no pun intended) on the amount of hurt I’m feeling. And, clearly, it has very little to do with what HE said and more to do with how I see myself. So his voice is raised and his tone is trenchant but I know what he’s saying is for my benefit – it’s criticism… just not as constructive as I’d like. Right, it’s about what I’d like… okay, so if it has to do with me then how about this: I want to remember that when he jumps in, I need to listen to what he’s saying. I want to incorporate it, I don’t want to see it as an attack, because they’re both my choice. And he’s saying it for my benefit, not to cut me down; I only feel that way because of my relationship to him but that’s a WHOLE other column…

It’s a good thing he’s still around because I still need that kind of advice. As much as I sometimes act like I know things; I need to remember that I have A LOT to learn…

Thanks dad.