Committed Eye

Wow.

Seriously? Wow

I just can’t get over it. A few months ago, there was not much of a difference. But now?

Holy Jeez!

I can’t believe how many beautiful women there are walking around. And more than that: how many are looking at me.

ME! That’s  something I’m not used to… (believe it or not). *Ahem* either way, this might become a problem. I’d better be careful.

Hold up. What am I being careful about? What am I going to do – start hitting on everyone? Start harassing people? I do have self control. In fact, there’s nothing for me to be careful for… only… my eyes can’t stop moving!

Just as soon as one leaves my vision, another one enters. This is ridiculous! And why do you all have to dress so bloody good! Can’t you just cover yourselves up? All this cleavage and midriffs…. What’s a poor boy to do?

And the absolute worst thing about all of this is that it’s all look and don’t touch. Oh yeah, it’s perfectly legal to temp us guys, who walk around pumped full of testosterone and we can try to do something about it. But for those of us who can’t do something about it… we just get to suffer.

Ok, well, it’s not that I can’t… I have a mouth and we speak the same language. It’s that I won’t because… well, because I’m with someone.

I guess that’s what makes this so frustrating. It’s hunting season and I’m a vegetarian.

How am I supposed to cope with the fact that I’m not sleeping with the millions, literally upon millions of beautiful women?

Ok, maybe that’s not the whole story.

I’m with someone now. But how do I know that the person I’m supposed to be with isn’t out there? Baring her midriff?

If we were in one of those Arabic countries where women were forced to cover themselves from head to toe – there wouldn’t be a problem. They’ve eliminated temptation.

Ah, so that’s it – I’m struggling with the temptation of someone else.

And it’s absolutely everywhere.

Good, I’ve narrowed down the issue past “I want to sleep with everyone” to an actual feeling. So how do I reconcile with this without losing?

I’m in a committed relationship. It’s mostly pleasant and the days it’s not, I figure things out and make it pleasant. On that note… what exactly am I being tempted by? Is it looks? A little. Is it our good friend diversity? Yes, but even more than both of those – it’s something that I can’t quite have but something my mind always has running around:

Fantasy.

As immature as it sounds, there’s very little escape from the movies I play in my head. And it takes a lot of concentration to keep focused on my reality when I’m bombarded with so much incredible stimulus. And fantasy is how progress is made, right? I think of something I want, I get my act together and get it and then I’m on to the next thing; because stagnation is death for me.

Is this how I want to live my relationship – always looking for the next thing? How long will this last? I could meet 20 or 30 girls… they will all be relatively similar. Yes, their taste in music and politics and art will change but they will all be human’s with desires, dreams and personalities. I’m not saying all girls are the same, but we’re all people, right? It’s more than that: My partner and I share so much in common and I like that. That’s really important to me. I once read that similarity is the second highest factor when it comes to success in relationships (the first is spatial distance; meaning the less distance between us the better).

So does it come down to “what do I want”?

If so, well, I have what I want.

Wow. That’s really powerful to say out loud.

Realizing that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be with exactly the person I’m supposed to be with is a very comforting thought. But how do I hold onto this thought in order to dissuade my temptations?

What would happen if I chose to act on one of my ludicrous impulses? No doubt, I would lose her. That is a distressing thought. Sure, the fantasy kicks in with the new girl being cool and all but in reality, it took me a while to find my partner and I really don’t want to let her go. So what I’d like to do is feel really grateful for her in my life. Yeah, I like that. That way, when I look at other girls, they can be a reminder to me of how lucky I am to have scored such a great girl. That way, I’m not resentful of all the stimulus that comes across my path and I stay focused on her.

Yeah! Alright, ladies, bring on the bikinis!

Secure Exchange

*sigh*

This is weird. I mean, usually I am so revved up. But lately…

I know EXACTLY what’s going to happen now:

  1. I start kissing her.
  2. She starts kissing back.
  3. I reach for her shirt
  4. I reach for my shirt
  5. I start to unbutton her pants…

Wow, it’s starting to feel like a laundry list. A laundry list for “intimacy”.

What. The. Aitch.

I’m sure I’d be in a different head space if we weren’t being intimate at all. I’m be dreaming about going through the motions. But being here now… it’s so boring.

I am about to be naked with my partner. The person I love most in this world. And I am bored.

I remember being so excited to be in this position (no pun intended): I would think about kissing her all day long and then, after waiting through torturesome hours, FINALLY, I would. And it felt amazing. And it was the same person over and over again.

And now… *yawn*

Maybe that’s the problem – maybe I’m just not meant to be with the same person for more than some undetermined amount of time. Isn’t that what people say “when the fire’s gone, it’s time to move on” ?

I know where this is headed: I’ll become so disenchanted with sex that I’ll start to look around for someone else, meanwhile, I’ll focus all my attention on internet pornography, which gives me what I want when I want it. AH, the wonderfulness of diversity!

So it seems as though I’ve already made up my mind as to my course of action. Though I must admit it’s not the best decision I’ve made . I really, really enjoy her company and don’t particularly want to start an affair or  leave her… after all, it’s not that big a deal.

But it IS a big Deal. Sex is really important to me and she should know that! Maybe if she would bother to try and be sexy for once… would it kill her to wear some lingerie once in a while? Do I actually have to go and get it for her before she acts on her own accord?

And how about she instigates once in a while? I’m always the one who starts kissing her and I’m starting to feel like she’s doing it out of service or duty, as opposed to wanting to because it feels good. What’s wrong with her? How can she so goddamned robotic?

Woah!

It just hit me.

So I’m upset because intimacy has become routine and I’m taking it out on her for being robotic? But I’m doing the absolute same thing! I’m  the one instigating. I’m the one who starts with her shirt, I’m the… wow…

I’m the boring one.

Damn. I really thought it wasn’t me this time. Honest.

So what do I do? How can I change things up? Should I just stop kissing her and see what happens? I once asked a bi-sexual girl what the worst thing about dating a girl was. She said “waiting for one of us to instigate.” So I could be waiting a long time.

How about doing something like completely crazy… like… handcuffs. Yeah, that’s different and exciting.

Ok, I’m clearly going about this the wrong way. Intimacy is a shared experience and if I’m feeling uninspired, then certainly she is as well and one of us has to get over our fear and talk about it. Okay, that’s good, if I tell her I’m bored, not with her but with the situation, then I’m asking for help and not attacking her, something I do not want to do. After all, I’ve already established that it’s not her fault.

Now comes the hard part: how to bring it up. I mean, can I just come out and say it?

“Listen, I want to talk to you about something.”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“Well… this is… I’m not really sure how I want to say this so give me a second to gather my thoughts.”

“okay.”

Alright, I have her attention and she’s interested. She knows this isn’t just a regular kind of talk. Okay, choose your words carefully.

“Lately… I’ve been feeling that… well… our… intimacy has been… well… it’s become… routine.”

“Oh, thank god!”

“What?”

“Well, I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how you would take it. But, yeah. I completely agree.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Wow, I’m really glad you want to talk about it. I’m so happy you’re not avoiding me and just watching porn.”

“…uh..yeah. I really didn’t want to be that guy.”

“Yeah… so I’ve been meaning to ask you…. How do you feel about… handcuffs?”