Secure Exchange

*sigh*

This is weird. I mean, usually I am so revved up. But lately…

I know EXACTLY what’s going to happen now:

  1. I start kissing her.
  2. She starts kissing back.
  3. I reach for her shirt
  4. I reach for my shirt
  5. I start to unbutton her pants…

Wow, it’s starting to feel like a laundry list. A laundry list for “intimacy”.

What. The. Aitch.

I’m sure I’d be in a different head space if we weren’t being intimate at all. I’m be dreaming about going through the motions. But being here now… it’s so boring.

I am about to be naked with my partner. The person I love most in this world. And I am bored.

I remember being so excited to be in this position (no pun intended): I would think about kissing her all day long and then, after waiting through torturesome hours, FINALLY, I would. And it felt amazing. And it was the same person over and over again.

And now… *yawn*

Maybe that’s the problem – maybe I’m just not meant to be with the same person for more than some undetermined amount of time. Isn’t that what people say “when the fire’s gone, it’s time to move on” ?

I know where this is headed: I’ll become so disenchanted with sex that I’ll start to look around for someone else, meanwhile, I’ll focus all my attention on internet pornography, which gives me what I want when I want it. AH, the wonderfulness of diversity!

So it seems as though I’ve already made up my mind as to my course of action. Though I must admit it’s not the best decision I’ve made . I really, really enjoy her company and don’t particularly want to start an affair or  leave her… after all, it’s not that big a deal.

But it IS a big Deal. Sex is really important to me and she should know that! Maybe if she would bother to try and be sexy for once… would it kill her to wear some lingerie once in a while? Do I actually have to go and get it for her before she acts on her own accord?

And how about she instigates once in a while? I’m always the one who starts kissing her and I’m starting to feel like she’s doing it out of service or duty, as opposed to wanting to because it feels good. What’s wrong with her? How can she so goddamned robotic?

Woah!

It just hit me.

So I’m upset because intimacy has become routine and I’m taking it out on her for being robotic? But I’m doing the absolute same thing! I’m  the one instigating. I’m the one who starts with her shirt, I’m the… wow…

I’m the boring one.

Damn. I really thought it wasn’t me this time. Honest.

So what do I do? How can I change things up? Should I just stop kissing her and see what happens? I once asked a bi-sexual girl what the worst thing about dating a girl was. She said “waiting for one of us to instigate.” So I could be waiting a long time.

How about doing something like completely crazy… like… handcuffs. Yeah, that’s different and exciting.

Ok, I’m clearly going about this the wrong way. Intimacy is a shared experience and if I’m feeling uninspired, then certainly she is as well and one of us has to get over our fear and talk about it. Okay, that’s good, if I tell her I’m bored, not with her but with the situation, then I’m asking for help and not attacking her, something I do not want to do. After all, I’ve already established that it’s not her fault.

Now comes the hard part: how to bring it up. I mean, can I just come out and say it?

“Listen, I want to talk to you about something.”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“Well… this is… I’m not really sure how I want to say this so give me a second to gather my thoughts.”

“okay.”

Alright, I have her attention and she’s interested. She knows this isn’t just a regular kind of talk. Okay, choose your words carefully.

“Lately… I’ve been feeling that… well… our… intimacy has been… well… it’s become… routine.”

“Oh, thank god!”

“What?”

“Well, I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how you would take it. But, yeah. I completely agree.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Wow, I’m really glad you want to talk about it. I’m so happy you’re not avoiding me and just watching porn.”

“…uh..yeah. I really didn’t want to be that guy.”

“Yeah… so I’ve been meaning to ask you…. How do you feel about… handcuffs?”

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